Finally Feeling Left Out

Well, I guess this blog is becoming a venting space and it is important to have ways to vent.  I don’t know that I even realized that I needed an outlet like this, but it is only natural when coping with any of life’s challenges.  And writing is certainly a healthy way to sort through one’s thoughts and make sense of them.

Today it really hit me that I am missing my sister and parents who are off on a vacation I would have loved as a more functional/healthy person.  We went to England and Ireland in my early 20s and I had the time of my life.  They’re even going to Stonehenge which I missed that time.  Also, my father-in-law had big plans to go to Disneyworld and invited us, but I knew I’d spend the whole time in the hotel wishing I was in my own home.  So, my husband, his dad, and his brother will all be making the trip and I will stay home.

There are lots of things I have to say no to in life.  I was recently invited to two smaller political events in the evening.  I can’t go to these things without someone to drive me and to look out for me, so I had to decline those.  But all of this has been okay, or may be it was just piling up and I wasn’t aware that I was about to hit a threshold.

The straw to break the camel’s back is my dear friend’s birthday.  Her sweet boyfriend reached out to a bunch of friends about planning her birthday celebration.  I jumped at offering to host, but the group opted for a multi-stop evening in a boisterous area including dinner out, a karaoke place, and finishing up the night at another friend’s for drinks.  I will be lucky to make it to dinner.  And this is not about me- this is about my friend having the best night possible- I overwhelmingly understand that.  I just wish I could be more a part of it.  I used to throw parties for friends, including her, and we would have the best time.  I was once known for my wild theme parties.  My more recent parties have been much smaller and dare I say, a bit boring, so I’m not surprised to be turned down.  I suppose I can just try to make the dinner portion and also see if my friend would like to do something another time together to celebrate her birthday.

And now to top things off, we’re trying to make brunch birthday plans with my father in law and my husband suggested the Queen Mary.  Getting off and on an antique boat, even if it is like attached to that dock, is going to be so exhausting, but at least I talked them out of dinner plans.

I’ve read so many blogs and facebook posts about the isolation of chronic illness and thanked my luck stars that I’m an introvert.  My social needs are few and I do very well left to my own devices.  However, everyone needs socializing, including me.  I know that when my sister and parents return, I’ll feel much better.  I’ll be able to talk with them on the phone and even have them stop by or have little outings.  Plus, I have another newer friend coming to visit soon, so that will be really nice.  I know it will all be okay and I have faith in my ability to adapt.  It’s just going to hurt sometimes, like times like these, and that’s okay, too.

So, my own birthday is coming up, too.  Perhaps it’s time for me to throw a party of my own.  One of the joys of planning my wedding last year was catering everything to my then current levels of ability.  I had seating available for me, I had a place to lay down and take breaks, all the food met my dietary requirements, and since it was my event- that was okay.  Now that I have a place with a pool, I could do a daytime pool party.  Staying in the pool allows enough water pressure to act like the world’s best body compression stocking- so if I pace myself, I might actually last a while.  And I can have plenty of seats and add shade outside- and air-conditioning inside, too, of course!  Not everyone likes the pool, but I can have other zones as well.  Maybe an outside picnic area and some stuff indoors as well.  I could make it family friendly, since my family is the most inclined to show up anyway!  Okay, this is going to be great!  See, venting can lead to creating solutions!

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